i woke up in circles...

i lived in a state of shut down, turned off & on high alert 

i was invisible and invincible 

i was bullet proof and already broken

    - shot through with bullets of despair

i was an ego maniac with an inferiority complex

i tried hard to be good - to do good things

I never meant to hurt anybody

        and i didn't want to hurt either

i woke up in circles

running away from childhood into adulthood

moving around the country - living in the wreckage of war

         and not knowing it was real

waking up as a new parent and already tired 

life was a struggle and the bogeyman was real

shadows surrounded me - there was no source

     covered by a wet blanket of loneliness

      pretending and afraid of being found out

i woke up in circles - 

   walking back into the familiar pain of invisible 

   thinking it was good to sit in church & follow directions

              earning my way into eternal life

              seeking and not finding

              seeking a way of life that resembled life

                            -   a here and now kind of life 

i woke up in circles

  in a desk in a classroom - behind a desk in an office

  at a desk in a cubicle  -  anywhere USA

       Illinois - California - Alabama – California

Mississippi – Texas -  Mississippi – Florida - Tennessee

  the blinders were on - the desk was the answer 

        i was smart - so smart i was missing my life

                    -  sitting at a desk

i woke up in circles

  working too hard - trying too hard – praying too hard

  the world was my oyster - i could have it all

      until there was too much of everything

      - i was sick with gluttony - envy - pride

i woke up in circles

  pretending to be what i thought was expected

  passing out - not sleeping

  looking sober while being drunk

  a chameleon - invisible and on high alert

  my protector & best friend was a thief and

               robbed me of everything but my life

that which i loved became what i hated

 - that which saved me began to kill me

i woke up in circles

  walking in circles – so smart I was all alone

                               - i could do it myself 

  walking in circles - behind a desk - in a church

                              - all over the country 

  walking in circles  - working - wondering

                               - studying - praying 

- lost in the circles  - lost in all the circles

i woke up in circles

  confrontation - intervention -  confirmation

   telling me what i already knew to be true

   in my silence i cried for help &  help arrived

   the circle was broken & life begins again – in a new way

    the circle becomes a spiral - open and alive

i woke up in circles

     walking out of the church 

     walking away from the desk

     walking away from my family

     walking into myself

     walking into my pain

     walking into my life  - beginning again

            

i woke up in circles

  asking questions - hoping for answers

        what is this day to bring

        where is the power

        what is next

        how does it work

i woke up in circles 

  loving the questions - waiting for the answers

  wondering - curious - excited

  can i stay awake

  am i willing to work for that which I don't understand 

  am i willing to create a life 

           where i choose to engage

           where i pay attention 

           where i can suffer and not run

           where i can just be  - in my life

i woke up in circles

   still at the desk

   still in my family

   still in my body

     it is the same and very different

       it is all new - clean - clear

         - new in a way that I don't recognize

         - new in a way that feels bigger than life

         - new in a way that just seems right

        

i woke up in circles

  letting people in

  letting secrets go

  opening my heart - learning to trust

i woke up in circles

    asking for help

    paying attention

    seeking guidance

    learning to say 'no'

    discovering a power i could lean into

    discovering a self- i can trust

      

i woke up in circles

       powerless became powerful

       bad became good

       the worst became the best

       lost became found

       the dead came back to life

       the no led to yes

       giving was the way to receive

       the 'either/or' became 'both/and'

       the black and white burst into a rainbow of color

       each ending became another beginning

i am opening up in circles

   seeing where i can stretch and become more

   naming my strengths and my shortcomings

   learning to ask for what i need or want

             with hope rather than expectation

   trusting my intuition and my experience

   watching for safety and truth

   becoming aware of who is good for me

   appreciating safe people 

   choosing where and how i spend my time

   practicing taking care of myself without apology

   making time for my spirit to play

   inviting other to join me 

   discovering new ways 

   wondering rather than judging

    

creating with the co-creator 

     delighting in the imaginings of my mind

     creating space that is all time and no time

        the love of the process

        the love of the color 

a human doing becoming a human being

    feeling - breathing - stretching 

    loving and loving more

       

each spiral into an abyss

    a launching pad into another circle

i wake up in circles

 circles that are spirals

          spirals of love 

          spirals of life

          spirals of color

                reaching out to the other

                reaching deep to the divine

 I am waking up in circles and spirals and colors