Fortress of the Heart

A few nights ago I was presented with this short reading and it stirred my soul.

I would like to share my thoughts with you and if you are so inclined I would love to know what the piece touches in you 

..... "No living being is without interior liquid motion. We all churn inside.

So much held in a heart in a lifetime. So much held in a heart in a day, an hour, a moment. We are utterly open with no one, in the end -- not mother and father, not wife or husband, not lover, not child, not friend. We open windows to each but we live alone in the house of the heart. Perhaps we must. Perhaps we could not bear to be so naked, for fear of a constantly harrowed heart. When young we think there will come one person who will savor and sustain us always; when we are older we know this is the dream of a child, that all hearts finally are bruised and scarred, scored and torn, repaired by time and will, patched by force of character, yet fragile and rickety forevermore, no matter how ferocious the defense and how many bricks you bring to the wall. You can brick up your heart as stout and tight and hard and cold and impregnable as you possibly can and down it comes in an instant, felled by a woman's second glance, a child's apple breath, the shatter of glass in the road, the words I have something to tell you, a cat with a broken spine dragging itself into the forest to die, the brush of your mother's papery ancient hand in a thicket of your hair, the memory of your father's voice early in the morning echoing from the kitchen where he is making pancakes for his children."                                                                         (from Joyas Voladoras by Brian Doyle)

This link will connect you to the entire selection.

http://nowimjustashotinthedark.blogspot.com/2008/02/joyas-voladoras-by-brian-doyle.html

Fortress of the Heart

In yoga

  the direction is given 

       'lead with the heart'

             tears come  -  it is too hard

the fortress is built and my heart is protected

            from the pain of possibility

  the pain already endured

          built that strong fortress

the fortress I want to smash 

    and

      lead with my heart

- the broken bodies shut away 

         longing for someone to see them

              as more than just a broken body

- the girl child being so brave 

   - braver and more courageous than anyone would ever know

          longing for someone/anyone to see her as she is 

              tired and  broken in spirit

                    always trying to be what she thinks is expected

- the words 'I have something to tell you'

       smashes the sturdy fortress quicker than anything 

    -  my life is a sham - what am I to do - who am I to be or become

     - how can I tell him - how will I tell them - what will they say - 

     - what will happen to me if I tell them the truth of who I am

     - how will I live - what will happen when I am no longer here
     - who will stand in my place - will they still talk to me

     

I listen with my heart 

         the pain of another touches my deep life experience

         nothing else matters - except to listen and hear

                                                         with compassionate care

I have learned

          being heard crumbles the sturdy well-built fortress

Just as 

     the shout out of 'grandma' from Natalie and Nathan

     the smell of Samuel's sweet apple breath 

     when Joshua snuggles into my chest as his eyes begin to close

     or Al reaches for my hand and pulls me into his arms

     when my son calls just to talk and asks what am I doing

     or my daughter-in-law compliments something I have made

the memory of my dad making Sunday breakfast and I again

                        I smell the pancakes he is cooking 

I cry and lead with my heart 

        afraid of the pain of possibility

I do it anyway

I know - 

    great pain always couples with great love.

A Noisy Song of Satisfaction

today i sit listening to the cicadas song
buzzing like ocean waves 
   cascading over background music and conversations in my home


it is surreal - this small very noisy insect
      demanding the attention of all creation 
            during its brief moment of life


i wonder about life cycles
the cicada has 13 years - 156 months or 676 weeks of gestation 
                    for 5 weeks of life 
                             and 
the human has 3/4 of a year - 9 months or 36 weeks of gestation 
             with maybe 80 years - 960 months or 4160 weeks of life 


is there a relationship or simply a metaphor


as i reflect of my life - 
what have i been willing to wait 13 years to attain
            and when I achieve my goal 
                     am I so noisy with my song of self-satisfaction
                        that others are annoyed
                             & my presence is not welcome.


welcome cicadas 
            - you have waited a long time to sing your song of life

Silence is Noisy

sitting on the porch 
         listening to the quiet
the gurgle of waterfalls in the pool 
the wave-like buzz of the thirteen year cicadas
the roar of the passing boat 
      competes with the loud music of the skiers 
      and the occasional holler of excited success      
the wind blowing through the trees 
       scattering leaves on the fresh-cut grass
the song of the birds - i cannot name 
          yet love to hear


silence can be so noisy when i listen to it

Spring forward and fall back -

Twice a year it is necessary to reset the car clock
i can never remember how
     and of course the car manual is never where it should be -

One way to accomplish this is to call Al and have him do this job -

         after all it is about the car
            and in our family that is his job

                         even if it is my car.

But, today, I am going to reset the clock.

   the car is on and I am sitting in the driveway -

           already frustrated - 

              I haven't even started yet 

 do I hold the radio channel selector in 
                  while I turn the bass dial or

 do I hold in the bass and turn the station selector 

          - no-no

it must be the knob that puts the sound in the front/back
         -the  balance - that's it -

                   - hold the balance and turn the bass - no no

- hold the balance and turn the channel selector 
                   - ok ok - that works -

    that changes the minutes 
                 - ok good 
     - but not good enough - 


I need to change the hours

   so lets try holding the other button -
         not the bass - the, the ...

            the other one - the tempo -
     i don't even know what the heck it's called -

            hold in the tempo and turn the channel selector
             - no no - that doesn't work -

how about the other knob - 

      hold in the power and turn the selector - no no - 

 oh phooey  ----  "Al how do I reset the clock?" 

                   OR 

   should i just remember

         that this clock is one hour early or one hour late and never on time?

i woke up in circles...

i lived in a state of shut down, turned off & on high alert 

i was invisible and invincible 

i was bullet proof and already broken

    - shot through with bullets of despair

i was an ego maniac with an inferiority complex

i tried hard to be good - to do good things

I never meant to hurt anybody

        and i didn't want to hurt either

i woke up in circles

running away from childhood into adulthood

moving around the country - living in the wreckage of war

         and not knowing it was real

waking up as a new parent and already tired 

life was a struggle and the bogeyman was real

shadows surrounded me - there was no source

     covered by a wet blanket of loneliness

      pretending and afraid of being found out

i woke up in circles - 

   walking back into the familiar pain of invisible 

   thinking it was good to sit in church & follow directions

              earning my way into eternal life

              seeking and not finding

              seeking a way of life that resembled life

                            -   a here and now kind of life 

i woke up in circles

  in a desk in a classroom - behind a desk in an office

  at a desk in a cubicle  -  anywhere USA

       Illinois - California - Alabama – California

Mississippi – Texas -  Mississippi – Florida - Tennessee

  the blinders were on - the desk was the answer 

        i was smart - so smart i was missing my life

                    -  sitting at a desk

i woke up in circles

  working too hard - trying too hard – praying too hard

  the world was my oyster - i could have it all

      until there was too much of everything

      - i was sick with gluttony - envy - pride

i woke up in circles

  pretending to be what i thought was expected

  passing out - not sleeping

  looking sober while being drunk

  a chameleon - invisible and on high alert

  my protector & best friend was a thief and

               robbed me of everything but my life

that which i loved became what i hated

 - that which saved me began to kill me

i woke up in circles

  walking in circles – so smart I was all alone

                               - i could do it myself 

  walking in circles - behind a desk - in a church

                              - all over the country 

  walking in circles  - working - wondering

                               - studying - praying 

- lost in the circles  - lost in all the circles

i woke up in circles

  confrontation - intervention -  confirmation

   telling me what i already knew to be true

   in my silence i cried for help &  help arrived

   the circle was broken & life begins again – in a new way

    the circle becomes a spiral - open and alive

i woke up in circles

     walking out of the church 

     walking away from the desk

     walking away from my family

     walking into myself

     walking into my pain

     walking into my life  - beginning again

            

i woke up in circles

  asking questions - hoping for answers

        what is this day to bring

        where is the power

        what is next

        how does it work

i woke up in circles 

  loving the questions - waiting for the answers

  wondering - curious - excited

  can i stay awake

  am i willing to work for that which I don't understand 

  am i willing to create a life 

           where i choose to engage

           where i pay attention 

           where i can suffer and not run

           where i can just be  - in my life

i woke up in circles

   still at the desk

   still in my family

   still in my body

     it is the same and very different

       it is all new - clean - clear

         - new in a way that I don't recognize

         - new in a way that feels bigger than life

         - new in a way that just seems right

        

i woke up in circles

  letting people in

  letting secrets go

  opening my heart - learning to trust

i woke up in circles

    asking for help

    paying attention

    seeking guidance

    learning to say 'no'

    discovering a power i could lean into

    discovering a self- i can trust

      

i woke up in circles

       powerless became powerful

       bad became good

       the worst became the best

       lost became found

       the dead came back to life

       the no led to yes

       giving was the way to receive

       the 'either/or' became 'both/and'

       the black and white burst into a rainbow of color

       each ending became another beginning

i am opening up in circles

   seeing where i can stretch and become more

   naming my strengths and my shortcomings

   learning to ask for what i need or want

             with hope rather than expectation

   trusting my intuition and my experience

   watching for safety and truth

   becoming aware of who is good for me

   appreciating safe people 

   choosing where and how i spend my time

   practicing taking care of myself without apology

   making time for my spirit to play

   inviting other to join me 

   discovering new ways 

   wondering rather than judging

    

creating with the co-creator 

     delighting in the imaginings of my mind

     creating space that is all time and no time

        the love of the process

        the love of the color 

a human doing becoming a human being

    feeling - breathing - stretching 

    loving and loving more

       

each spiral into an abyss

    a launching pad into another circle

i wake up in circles

 circles that are spirals

          spirals of love 

          spirals of life

          spirals of color

                reaching out to the other

                reaching deep to the divine

 I am waking up in circles and spirals and colors

i am from...

i am from

the back seat of a red convertible created in the passion of hormones gone wild

the dresser drawer of the cheap hotel bureau in flint

i am from

 the streets of miami - the beaches of haulover and sunny isles

i am from

 the deep catholic guilt that produces non-thinking people who follow the rules and fear hell more than life

the eldest of too many children born to parents who were children

i am from 

a run away - way of life

where bad behavior is rewarded and being good is never good enough

i am from 

catholic - irish - alcoholic

longing for tenderness and to be seen

always on high alert

i am from 

sandy sheets and salty air and smells that never leave

i am from 

out in the sticks in the middle of the city

buses that run forever and get you wherever you want to go

i am from 

the interama - beer can island - the corner store where chips and coke are the staples of life

babysitting for folks who don't come home

i am from

crying babies - dirty dishes - peed beds - thumb sucking kids

i am from empty words

i am from love